Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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