i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
