I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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