I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
