my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
