Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You smell like a Billy Joel song
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
