Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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