Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
