He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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