...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
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