Swine flu. Run for my life!
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
