he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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