Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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