im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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