FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
