his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
