I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
