im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
