her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
