you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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