I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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