I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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