Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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