at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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