So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
