listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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