I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
