Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
