is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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