I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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