I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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