final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize