he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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