No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
