my phone needs a breathalizer
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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