woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this will be a night to untag.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize