My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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