My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
