Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
