My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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