finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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