I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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