dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
