I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
