just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
