That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
