1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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