I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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