So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
