I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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