Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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