i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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