you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
