i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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