My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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