I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
